The Song What I Wrote

Some of my friends and acquaintances are musicians (I'm not fussy), and I recently mentioned to a couple of them who had been good enough to share some of their recent recordings with me that I had written a few song lyrics myself over the years: might they be interested in putting a tune to them and making us both filthy rich? What could be easier?

However, when I looked into my notebooks, I realised that what I really should have said was that I have often had ideas for songs, written a verse or two, sometimes even three, more often just a catchy phrase or some rhymes, but had never actually sat down and done the whole job. That is, written a whole set of verses, with chorus, bridge, and all that fancy stuff: a complete, actual song. Or rather, the complete lyrics for a song. Which is really only half of a song, I suppose (but IMHO always the best bit).

So, inspired by Merle Hazard, I decided to sit right down on my porch with my banjo, a biro, and a bottle of Jim Beam and write myself a proper song. And danged if I didn't, and it goes like this, to the tune of, well, no tune as yet. Just make it up in your head. A-one, a-two, a-one-two-three-four...

The Bargain-Basement You

They say the truth is out there
Or is the truth within?
So if you're stuck,
Or out of luck,
Forgotten to begin
Here's a way that you can start
And truly get your due:
It's not too late
Negotiate
The bargain-basement You.

You started out so hopeful
So full of plans and schemes
The passing years
Too many beers
Have scuppered all your dreams
But we have got a cut-price deal
We're offering to you:
Accept your fate
Accommodate
The bargain-basement You.

[chorus]
No frills, no flash, no fancy bits,
This lash-up just might do,
It does the job, it sorta fits,
It somehow muddles through,
It's on the fritz, but never quits,
It's cheap 'n' cheerful, too,
Let's hear it for our hero: it's
The bargain-basement You.

[bridge]
It never has been easy, what is and isn't true,
Religious nuts can't crack this one
Though talking trash is lots of fun
Philosophers have tried and failed
But carpenters have got it nailed
And you can nail it, too...

They say the truth will set you free
So please let me be frank.
The wheel of fate
Has stuck of late,
Your calendar is blank.
Tomorrow may look second-hand
but could be new-to-you:
Don't hesitate
Recalibrate
The bargain-basement You.

[chorus]
No frills, no flash, no fancy bits,
This lash-up just might do,
It does the job, it sorta fits,
It somehow muddles through,
It's on the fritz, but never quits,
It's cheap 'n' cheerful, too,
Let's hear it for our hero: it's
The bargain-basement You.

So don't be too down-hearted
If your life ain't all you thought
Cut down to size
It's no surprise
You ain't no astronaut.
But this week's special offer
Is a perfect fit for you:
Anticipate
And celebrate
The bargain-basement You.

So, finally, there we have it, or something very like it... I must admit I'm pleased with how that turned out. Only a dozen or so more to write, and I've got an album. Can't wait for the Grammys!

I should probably point out that one of those aforementioned friendly musicians has first dibs on this one, but if you're reading this, Emmylou, Merle, Jim-Bob, or whoever, have your people get in touch with my people and we can work something out. I'm hearing a "country meets Tom Lehrer over at Lonnie Donegan's place" sort of thing. And, listen, any song with those cheeky -uck, -ank, and -its rhymes in it just has to be a hit, innit?